Turbulence
by blindspottedllama
Summary: [Jeller] Amid their work struggles, Jane and Kurt fly to visit Bethany. Sometimes it's not that easy to take a break. One-shot.


Jane sat on the couch in the apartment the morning they were to head to the airport to visit Bethany. She had meandered all night - her side of the bed, his, sideways, even getting up to have tea - which led to very little rest. Their small duffel bags were packed, still sitting by the door as they had set out the previous night, yet there was one thing that wasn't ready - her.

She swallowed her fear, pushing it down with the other anxieties that antagonized her regularly these days. They kept her stomach full, so she skipped breakfast, instead choosing to worry the cuffs of her sweatshirt with her thumbs while she waited for Kurt to emerge from the shower. They were getting away - why did today need to be the day she was more on edge?

Kurt fixed himself peanut buttered toast and offered her coffee, yet she declined, citing she wanted to try to get some more sleep while they waited to board the plane. Half-eaten toast in one hand, he ruffled her hair - "You ready?" At her quiet response of yes, he collected their bags from beside the door and waited for her to pull on her jacket and exit the apartment, locking the door behind them.

She was uncharacteristically quiet through airport security, keeping her head bowed as they handed over their IDs. The agent chuckled when he read her name, as most did, and Kurt rested a reassuring arm across the small of her back. Soon they were disassembling their bags onto the conveyor and walking through the scanner. "Miss, there's an anomaly right there," another agent explained, asking her to step to the side, "we'll need to do inspection with a pat down."

Her cargo pants were loose, low slung around her waist, remnants of days she was a little bit heavier and kept around for days she would be a little bit heavier again. They were _comfortable_. They were also currently the cause of the agent pointing to a highlighted area near her crotch on the screen. Jane followed her instructions, staring off at an exit sign in the distance as the backs of the woman's hands traveled her body, deeming her clear. Damn pants, damn airport security, damn everything. She took a deep breath and ran her hand over her face.

Kurt kept close watch from the conveyor, repacking both of their bags while he waited. He couldn't help ice entering his eyes - he knew the procedure was routine, yet his wife's gaze into the distance told him she was trying to escape. When she was cleared to continue forward, she looked for her things, yet Kurt held her jacket out to her on his arm and had her shoes at his feet. "I've got everything," he explained, and she redressed, leaning into his arm around her waist.

"That's the last time I wear baggy pants to the airport," she proclaimed, exhaling a puff of air in frustration.

Kurt kissed the top of her head and checked his watch behind her back. "We have a little bit of time - can I interest you in a walk before we sit down?"

She nodded, and he led her on a brief walk of the airport hallways, advertisements greeting them at every turn. Everything was loud - the sights, the sounds, the unwanted touches, even the smells - and Jane closed her eyes to try to drown it all out. He caught the monitors, checking for their gate in between checking on her. "I'd like to get a coffee - can I get you anything?"

She pressed her hand over her stomach, disinterested in the idea of food. "No. Can we go sit after?" Jane asked. Though movement was her typical goto, given their setting, perhaps she could better enter cave mode if she was sitting still.

"Sure."

He eyed two chairs next to each other without an armrest in between, setting their bags at the end and balling up his jacket on his lap. "So you can rest," he offered, tipping Jane's head into his lap when she sat next to him.

He massaged her scalp, trying to soothe her. Her slow, deep breaths told him she too was trying to calm herself. "Bethany is going to be so, so happy to see you," he shared, giving her someone to look forward to. "And you'll get to have beautiful jogs outside in the sun."

Her mind latched onto the sun, thinking of how nice it would be to spend time soaking it in, their only responsibility to their family. Maybe she could convince him to come with her?

The warmth of the sunshine disappeared when her stomach grumbled, unhappy she was eating stress instead of food. Her torso cramped with the faint urgency of the runs. "I need the bathroom," she indicated, extricating herself from his lap, "I'll be right back."

When she washed up, she splashed several rounds of water onto her face. She looked at herself in the mirror in hopes of giving a mental pep talk of "you can do this," yet the pale cheeks and dark eyes looking back at her only reaffirmed she couldn't. All the mental energy she had poured into recovering from the big events of their jobs was draining her reserves, making the typically smaller things harder to deal with.

She returned to Kurt, and his hand rested on her knee when she sat. "You okay?" he asked, his eyes surveying her face for the anxiety deposits he knew she was hiding.

Looking around them, she found three people sitting in chairs closet to the gate door, one diagonally across from them and several chairs down on headphones, and several behind them. At least it was somewhat quiet. "I don't know if I can get on the plane," she admitted, seeking the comfort of his lap again, "I thought I was doing better. Yet I didn't get any sleep last night, and it was a tough morning, and it was stressful here, and now I feel sick, and I want to see Bethany, but the thought of…"

"It's okay," he interrupted her rambling, petting her hair where she rested in his lap, "Can you take a few deep breaths with me?"

She obliged and took his hand when he wrapped his arm around her. "Do you want to go to Colorado?" he asked, starting with the basics. If he could get her talking, maybe he could help.

That was a silly, easy question. "Yes, of course I do."

Her pulse was hammering under his fingertips at her wrist. "What's bothering you most right now?"

Air. Nowhere to go. Feeling like every movement means imminent crash. How she couldn't leave the cabin, just like she couldn't leave the box, the ZIP, the… "I think I'm going to feel trapped on the plane."

He ran his thumb across each of her fingers. He wanted her to know she was in control - she had options. "We can go home. Do you want me to take you home?"

They had both been looking forward to the visit as a break. She felt dumb even admitting she was scared. "No." Then she backpedaled, sitting up. Her therapist's words taunted her to face things head on. Her hands shook a little while she spoke, "Look, I'm sorry, I'll be fine, I'm just going to take another walk. I'll be right back."

She left his hand and concerned eyes behind, hurrying back down the hallway toward the bathroom where she found it to be a little bit quieter. "Get your shit together," she cursed herself, knowing the turbulence in her head was far worse than what she'd experience on the plane. She again walked through the sunshiny outdoors she had painted in her mind. Bethany's quiet, "push me higher, Mama Jane," giggling as she tried to fly up into the sun. Kurt's arm around her as they sat in the grass drinking wine and watching the sun set. Kurt's skin darkening and regular reminders for her to put on more sunscreen. In her daydreams, she could do this.

When she returned, there were many more people congregated near the gate and boarding had started. "Let's go," she indicated, trying to take her bag from Kurt where he stood.

He caught her eyes, still seeing her exhaustion, yet now also finding hope. Her momentary bout of overwhelming insecurity had faded. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. You'll have to put up with me on the plane, but let's go." She was fighting.

He kissed her and shared a smile in support. He kept both of their bags, merely directing her to the gate door.

Held up in queue on the bridge to the plane, Kurt asked, "Do you want the middle or the aisle?"

"You get the aisle so you can have someplace to stretch your legs," she said without second thought.

He gave a small shake of his head. "But what do you want? If you think you might feel better on the aisle, I want to give you that."

When they boarded the plane, on the way down the aisle to their seats, Jane decided, "I'll take the aisle. If you need to stretch, though, trade with me."

In their seats, Kurt slipped into her bag to retrieve noise cancelling headphones and a tablet. He kept the armrest up between them, and once their belts were buckled and her movie was started, pulled her against his chest. "Rest, my love," he coaxed, hoping the sensory deprivation would help her relax a bit.

On takeoff, her nails dug into her hand, leaving crescents across the back of her left hand between her index finger and thumb. He kissed the top of her head and tried to get her to stop hurting herself. He lifted one of the cans a little, his lips whispering near her ear, "Imagine Bethany when she first sees you. Her little calls of 'up, up!'"

Jane smiled, squeezing his knee. He squeezed her knee back when she breathed through a bout of turbulence. Her fears were still bubbling under the surface, yet she was trying; the rolling boil of earlier had passed.

Once they had stopped climbing and leveled off at cruising altitude, she fell asleep against him, _Guardians of the Galaxy_ still playing in her ears. He needed to pee, yet held it, not wanting to disturb her. When she woke after a few hours and stretched, he held one of the cans away from her ear and asked, "Can I get out for a minute?"

When he returned, she was sitting in the middle seat. She patted the aisle seat next to her, and he sat, giving her the opportunity to cuddle against him again. "That's nice of you," he shared.

"It's your seat," she laughed.

The remainder of their flight was uneventful, only the descent putting her on edge again. "We're almost there," Kurt had soothed, taking her hand again so she couldn't dig her nails into the other.

Not too much later, they were off the plane. "It won't always be like this," she confided, "more positive exposure and less trauma should settle things."

He clasped her hand, choosing to respond with his presence rather than words. She was with him and he wouldn't trade that, even if it meant some rocky moments.

"Though I am going to need a nap before we take Bethany to the park," Jane shared as they walked to their rental car.

"Of course." Then he tried for a lighter moment, sliding his hand into her back pocket, squeezing. "I like these pants."

"Never again," she groaned.

"Jane?"

She turned to him, a question across her face. "Thank you," he said.

She kissed him in return. "No, thank you."

The sun was calling, and they were ready to go catch it.


End file.
